History is a factor, but it doesn't have to define you!

You know how sometimes you start thinking about something and you just can't stop?  I had one of those moments last night.  During my class at Lincoln College, we did an exercise where we were supposed to write down 10 single words that we would use to describe ourselves to a complete stranger.  The first two were easy...the next eight were harder.  Here is what I came up with (in the order that I came up with them):

Wife
Mother
Passionate
Instructor
Healthy
Daughter
Entrepreneur
Happy
Positive
Transformed

Next, we were to put a star next to the top three words from the list.  I chose Wife, Mother, and Transformed.  When we shared our words in class, the word "transformed" got a puzzled look from a few people.  One student said, "I gotta ask, what does transformed mean?"  So, I briefly told the class how in the last year and a half I had lost a little over 90 pounds, and that it has transformed every area of my life.  My relationships with my family, my professional life, and my home life have been greatly transformed.

After class, I was stopped by a fellow student who wanted to talk to me regarding my weight loss.  There were many parallels in my story and the questions he was asking me regarding how I overcame certain obstacles.  It seems, that many women deal with the same issues - but most importantly - giving themselves permission to take time for their own health and NOT feeling guilty about it.  Why do we do that to ourselves ladies??  Now, I'm sure men deal with this issue as well, but women have a way of beating ourselves up over it.  All the way home, I contemplated my upbringing, my emotional makeup, and what led me to make certain choices throughout my life regarding diet and exercise.

When I got home, I couldn't shut my brain off.  I started to realize how much we are our own worst enemy.  And, I figured out that until we can recognize the WHAT and WHY of our emotional history, learn from it, and overcome it, many of us will always deal with the cycle of beating ourselves up for taking time away from our families to get healthy.  So - what did I do?  I started writing.  I opened up a Word Document on my computer and really started to dissect what about my past has led me to make poor health decisions (i.e. Why did I dislike exercise for so many years of my life?  Why did I have such a low self-image?  Why did I think I was "fat" as a size 7 teenager?)  Because I think so many can learn from this exercise, I'm willing to share some of what I wrote.  A lot of this is deeply personal, but I think so many of us struggle from the same types of stories that I want to share an excerpt of it.  If it leads one of you out there to contemplate and learn from your own emotional history...I will consider it time well spent.  :-)

An excerpt from my childhood - part of why I am who I've become:

My first nickname, so endearingly given to me by my older brother, was Chubby.  Sometimes, just to mix it up a little, he would call me “chubs”, “chubster”, or “Chubby Cheekers”.  Creative, huh?  Throughout my childhood, the male members of my family (even extended family) reinforced to me how chubby I was.  Every family get together, I heard about my chubby cheeks and rounded belly.  I really didn’t feel at the time these comments were detrimental to my self-image.  I just thought they were teasing me.

Looking back now, I wonder if this reinforcement was what caused me to notice the cellulite on my backside by the age of seven when I clinched my butt muscles (and stared at it in the mirror, clenching and unclenching my butt for a good 20 minutes before my mom came in and asked me what the heck I was doing).  I wonder if the “chubby” comments are what possessed me to ask for the popular Buns of Steel workout video for my birthday when I was in 6^th grade.  Not sure…but I’m thinking it didn’t help, right?  By the way – I got the video as my birthday gift.

And a few paragraphs later.....
 

It took me years to realize it, but the tribulations I had as a teenager playing softball had a direct correlation to my lack of inactivity in the next decade of my life.  Several times over the years, my husband and I would start an exercise program to lose weight.  My determined hubby, who has a military background, would occasionally let the drill sergeant side of him come out as a way to motivate me.  The effect, however, was directly opposite.  The minute I felt “pushed” to do something, I quit.  I did not want anyone telling me to workout, do one more rep, run harder, or do more.  I usually would get angry at my husband (who had no clue what he had done to upset me) and just give up.

And a little further down.....

My mother, like so many mothers, was 110% devoted to taking care of her family.  She put this need ahead of her own needs.  While I genuinely appreciate all that she did for me and my brother (and love her more than she will ever know for all of the love and support she gave to me), that was my example to follow when I became a wife and mother.  In the beginning of my marriage and in the first several years of being a mother, I felt that taking “me” time to exercise was simply selfish.  I felt that if I left my kids for an hour to go for a walk or head to the gym, that I was a bad mother.  This is the quintessential struggle for 98% of the mothers that I know and talk to – they simply feel what I call “mommy guilt”.  They do not feel it is fair to their family to take time for themselves. 

As mothers, we devote our time, our energy, and even our bodies to our children.  We let our tummies stretch out and give up on the possibility that we will ever look right in a bikini again.  We let our breasts become someone else’s source of food, regardless of the pain it may cause us and the commitment it requires to give such a gift.  We become soft so that when our kids are sick in the middle of the night, they can snuggle into our bodies and feel comforted.  Cellulite, stretch marks, displaced belly buttons, and sagging (or enlarged) boobs become our “new” bodies.  We look in the mirror and succumb to the fact that we will never look like a movie star, so why bother?

And lastly....

What I eventually learned, and what anyone reading this who struggles to live a healthy lifestyle has to understand is that you absolutely HAVE to deal with your inner demons/mental blocks/reasons you are the way you are.  It is imperative to understand how you got to the point you are at today so that you can overcome it.  You have to know what triggers you negatively as well as what you need as positive reinforcement.  Most weight problems, in my opinion, are deeply rooted in our emotional history.  Understanding your emotions, how you react in certain situations, what motivates you, and what prompts you to “shut down” is not easy.  You have to be honest with yourself and deal with the ugly that may be lurking inside you.  Understand it.  Learn from it.  Overcome it.  Become stronger because of it. 

That, my friends, is the key to lifelong success with managing your weight and your health.

These are just pieces of my full writing....but I hope you can read it and maybe see a little of yourself in it.  I'll keep writing my story, and one day, maybe I'll publish it in full.  :-)

Traci